It has been a turbulent time in my soul. Some days are great then, just like that, something can trigger my depression and the tears come. I just go with it. Sometimes the wave of grief remains for a few hours or a whole day. It is unpredictable. But instead of fighting it, I let it come.
She was no longer wrestling with the grief,but could sit down with it as a lasting companion & make it a share in her thoughts -George Eliot
Last time I had depression I was swinging my sword left, right and centre. That is what I had to do to overcome the depression. I had to rise up and and fight it. God was teaching me that I had His strength within me and to fight. He was teaching me that I was the daughter of a King - a Princess Warrior. Late last year, I felt that God wanted me to learn to rest. I concentrated on stopping and giving my body a physical rest. I also felt God was teaching me to rest in Him in all areas. I needed to stop fighting and learn to live in the unforced rhythms of His grace.
This was a very different strategy. And I realise that God doesn't do the same miracle twice! If I was to assume that God would bring me out of the depression the same way He did last time, then I would be just like Moses striking the rock twice. God only asked Moses to speak to the rock, not strike it, and because He didn't listened to God's instructions, Moses was unable to enter the Promised Land. I am listening to Holy Spirit and He tells me to leave the fight to Him. He tells me to rest in Him. He tells me not to fight the depression.
I adjust my day according to how I am feeling. I am honest and transparent with my boys and my husband about my depression. I tell them, 'Mum is having a bad day' or 'I don't have the energy to do that right now.' The boys and my husband understand, and don't put unrealistic expectations on me. I have chosen to let my boys in on the depression journey as I know in their own lives they may suffer from depression themselves, or people they love may. In a world where depression is still not understood and so much stigma remains, I want my sons to know about depression. One of my sons had shown signs of depression at the age of 7. I want him to see how to overcome depression. I want my struggle with depression to be for the next generation. I want my sons and grandchildren to live in freedom. Most of all, I want them to see God in all of this.
In being open and transparent on my blog last month, I have received many private messages all different, yet all saying the same thing, They thank me for being so raw and honest, and tell me that I have written what was in their very own heart - the details have changed, but the wound is still the same. And I am overwhelmed that God in my woundedness can still use me to point others to Him. I am humbled that in my writing I have been able to give voice to many women.
My old wounds are very close to the surface and are easily reopened. They are deep. Very deep. I feel like my heart is bleeding out all over the place. I am bleeding out and I can't stop it. Sometimes the pain is unbearable, but I allow myself to feel it, knowing that I need to go through it, to overcome the depression. Even in my darkest moments of grief and sadness, I have an overwhelming peace. It is His peace, and it doesn't make sense to feel such peace while my heart is bleeding so much, but it is there.
3 years ago, my spirit leaped as I read in Isaiah:
“You poor city. Storms have hurt you, and you have not been comforted. But I will rebuild you with turquoise stones, and I will build your foundations with sapphires.
I will use rubies to build your walls and shining jewels for the gates and precious jewels for all your outer walls. (Isaiah 54:11-12)
He reminded me this week of that day and I knew that in order to rebuild something, you have to tear it down. My foundations are flawed. There are too many wounds. They need to be dealt with, healed, or I will collapse time and time again. Next week I have two appointments - one with a psychologist, and one with for a Sozo session. I know that my wounds will start to heal and that once they are healed, the depression will be gone. And when He rebuilds me, it will be with precious jewels from Him - you just watch me shine!
I know that all I need to do is rest in Him. I have hope that He will bring me through the depression. I have peace in the darkness that surrounds me. And I am not putting any time limit on this. I don't want to be back in the place of depression again. It will take as long as it takes. It will be in His time.
Still Taking Lessons From the King,
Jo - His Grace xo