I feel like I have lost my voice....
....my writing voice that is!
Everytime I have sat down to write a blog post, nothing has come out. Until today that is-when I decided to be honest.
I have put it down to burnout but I think it's more than that.
As I have been pondering on all that 2012 will hold for me, the thought of quitting blogging has crossed my mind more than once. This space that I call Princess Warrior Lessons is just another blog in amongst the thousands of blogs. But to me it is so much more.
It is here on my blog that I shared quite transparently about my struggle with depression, and my journey to overcome the darkness.
It is here on my blog that I shared how my journey of learning who I am and to take off the masks that I have worn for years, learning exactly who I am.
It is here on my blog that I shared my journey into homeshooling and my struggle I have had with God asking me to be 'just a mother' in this season.
It is here on my blog that I have connected with so many women and developed authentic friendships.
It is here on my blog that I have shared how I could say with all honesty that 'I am Beautiful' and discovered what true beauty really is.
It is here on my blog that I disovered that I have a gift of writing and that my gift encouraged others.
It is here on my blog that I have learned how to fly....
It is hear that I am learning to live in the unforced rhythms of His Grace....
I have found such a freedom in expressing who I am on this blog....it has become an extension of me.
Until it became something else...
Somewhere along the way I got caught up in stupid stuff....
I received an email from someone in USA asking me if I would be attending the next Blog Conference (yes, I know they have them here in Australia too). I thought that she must have not noticed that I lived in Australia, so I pointed out that fact to her. To my surprise, she knew that and thought that I would make the effort to fly across the ocean, costing me thousands of dollars to attend the conference. Madness? Maybe. But it appears that blogging is big business these days.
I started to read blog posts from other 'successful' bloggers (whatever that means) on how to well.....blog. 'Content is King' was the catch cry. 'Blog often otherwise you'll lose followers' was another. I tried to keep up with what other bloggers were doing and started to strive. I listened to these 'experts'. And when I did....I no longer enjoyed my blog. It became a job. Another thing to add to my to do list. I put expectations on myself to produce quality blog posts (whatever that means). I worried about whether it was inspiring and encouraging enough. I started to blog for an audience....instead of for me.
Author John Acuff shared this photo on Twitter last week and it spoke to my heart...
I have a dream to use my gift of writing and I believe that He will (and is now) using that gift. But I am trying to make it happen in my own strength. I have stopped relying on Him. In a twisted way, I have thought that my writing was more important than it really is. My job is only to point people to Him. Only He can truly change people. I forgot momentarily that I am only a forerunner paving the way for the Messiah. I am not the Messiah.
I have been shouting "Hey! look at me. I can help you. I have the answers.", instead of whispering, "Hey! Look at me. Look at how He has changed me. Look at how He loves me. Look at the grace He gives me. Just ask Him, He'll give it to you too. I don't have all the answers, but we can journey together."
I have beat myself up internally for not finishing the series I began May 2010 called 'Overcoming Depression'. I was a slave to my own expectations. Everytime I have sat down to share how I overcame depression, I didn't know how to put it into words. I know that my journey of depression, and how I overcame it will look very different to anyone else's.
The truth is, the way I overcame depression sounds way too simple, you may not believe me. Here is what I did. I made a decision each and every morning to trust Him to pull me out of the darkness. That simple. Was it easy? No. Did He pull me out? Yes. Was it really that simple? Yes. It all comes down to a choice. I chose to believe that He could, and would free me from depression, and He did. Was it instant? No. It took nearly a year from when I first decided to trust Him.
I am going back to basics with my blogging. Back to why I started blogging in the first place - to articulate all those thoughts in my head and to express myself. I'm going to remove all expectations I have put on myself in regards to blogging, and just share my heart, like the good old days.
So if it's OK with you (or even if it's not OK), I am not going to write for you...I'm going to start writing again for me.
Still taking lessons from the King,