Saturday, 8 May 2010

Missing my Princess

I attended the White Butterfly Reflection Service this morning. It is a reflection service to acknowledge the loss of children during pregnancy or infancy. When I was first invited to the service, I was wondering why I would consider going. Hadn't I dealt with my miscarriage already? After all, it had now been 8 years since I lost my precious child. But as I read the invitation, I knew I had to go. A lump appeared in my throat. My heart was not fully healed from the loss of my child that I have never met.

My mother, sister and nieces and nephews came with too. They had lost a grand-daughter , niece and cousin respectively. It was special having so many members of my family there to acknowledge my daughter Lanay, whom none of us had met. 

It was such a beautiful service. I felt my emotions overcome me looking around at how beautifully they had set up the service before it even began. During the service, there was an item of a woman dancing with 2 children dressed in white. I was fixated on the little girl. I could not take my eyes off her. In the moment I was swept away and it was my own daughter that was dancing before me. Free and whole and happy. Tears came and I could not stop them.

Then I looked over to the right of the stage area, and while the Pastor shared words of encouragement, an artist drew a picture. I watched as the picture took shape. It was a picture of a little girl. And I again felt sorrow that my daughter was not with me. I allowed the tears to flow. Grieving for the daughter that I would never see grow up with her brothers here on Earth. Grieving that I have not yet held my beautiful child that has gone to Eternity before me. My heart hurt. And the tears came.

Balloons and cards were given out. Messages on the cards to the children that we had lost were attached to the balloons, and released into the blue morning sky.

This is what I wrote:
Mummy misses you and loves you very much Lanay. xo

This is what Leader Boy Warrior wrote on his card:

I love you Lanay.

What surprised me the most was the emotions I felt at the service. I felt safe displaying them, as I was surrounded by people who knew what I was going through. Still, the depth of my emotions was a shock to me. Feelings that I didn't even know existed overcame me. I know not to suppress them, but allow the Holy Spirit to heal my heart by letting the emotions come. It is good to feel. It hurts to feel. But it is good to feel.

David spoke of his grief over the loss of a child in Samuel 12:22-23

David said, "While the baby was still alive, I fasted, and I cried. I thought, 'Who knows? Maybe the Lord will feel sorry for me and let the baby live.' But now that the baby is dead, why should I fast? I can't bring him back to life. Someday I will go to him, but he cannot come back to me."
Lanay cannot come back to me. But one day I will go to her. I have entered the Door of Eternity through Jesus Christ when I asked Him to be the Lord of my life. Someday, I will go to her.
I am the door, and the person who enters through me will be saved and will be able to come in and go out and find pasture. John 10:9

I wrote this poem as I reflected on the morning:

Missing my Princess

I loved you as soon as I had learned
that you were growing within me.
In that moment I became a mother.

I day dreamed about you.
In my mind's eye
I imagined you
and looked forward
to feeling you grow within me.

In my mind's eye
I imagined holding you
and looked forward
to the first time
I would lay eyes on you.

But it all remained
in my mind's eye.

I did not feel you grow within me.
I did not hold you.
I have never laid eyes on you.

But in the moment
I knew you existed
You were in my heart.

My heart aches
that you are not with me.

There are so many memories
that will never be created.
And the longing in my heart
to hold you remains.

I know that one day
I will hold you.
I know that one day
I will lay eyes on your
beautiful face.

You are being cared for by angels.
And I will be with you
for Eternity sweet child.

The pain of separation
although at times unbearable
is being healed by the One
who made a way for us
to be together for Eternity.
The One you are with right now.

I love you my child.
I miss you my Princess.
I will always be your Mother.
You will always be in my heart.

Still taking lessons from the King,


  1. What a beautiful poem, and what a beautiful service. I don't think our hearts fully recover from the grief of losing a child. But, it is reassuring to know that we have the Great Healer and Comforter within us, to give us His strength and peace. Thank you for sharing something so beautiful (as always).x

  2. I couldn't help but shed some tears. I'm so sorry you've experienced such a loss. Your poem to your princess is beautiful and I am thankful that one day you will hold her in your arms. You are a beautiful mom.

  3. I wish I could do the little heart emoticons. :) Love you.

  4. Yep I cried. Amazing how we get wrapped up in the days weeks months and years and how wonderful it is to stop and remember. You are an amazing Mother. Kisses hugs, snot and tears, love ya. xx

  5. Looks like it was such a beautiful service. Loved your poem. You had me crying also. Much love, Bek xx

  6. This makes me think of an old favorite song of mine. The chorus says:
    blessed are the tears that fall,
    they clean the windows of the soul,
    they usher in a change of heart,
    and bring a joy that angels know.
    Love & Prayers,

  7. This was such a precious post. Thank you for being brave enough to share this delicate part of your life with the blogger world. What a wonderful idea for a service. I've never heard of one before. My best friend lost one of her twin boys six years ago. I know that every birthday is still a very hard time for her. I can't imagine the pain, but I pray for her every year at that time. Thank you again for giving us a glimpse of this through you!

  8. Thank you for sharing your heart. I think it is a wonderful idea to hold a service of that type...I too, have lost a child. My first. I remember feeling so confused and hurt. I was "only" four months along, and some people close to me just said "That happens all the time - don't worry about it" as if it were nothing and so I pushed the feelings of loss away. But, they didn't really go away, but lingered deep inside. Since that time, 28 years ago, the feelings have come up from where I had hidden them. I miss this child whom I never held. I love him. But I know that one day I will meet him, put my arms around him and see his smile. He will be waiting for his mom and dad and his "little" brother and sister. But until that time, I know he is safe with His heavenly Father...and there's no better place to be. Thanks again, Jo. I hope you had a blessed Mother's Day.

  9. What a beautiful way to acknowledge your bubba. I have never lost a baby but my sister has lost 2 and I often find myself wondering what they would've been like and feeling sad. So many people just assume people will 'get over' a miscarriage when they have another baby and don't give people the opportunity to grieve, I'm glad you have been able to to express how you feel and then share it with us, big hugs to you!!!

  10. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. (you know what im saying.... xxxxx)... LISA x

  11. Beautiful, just beautiful. Beautiful is Holy Spirit's work, beautiful is your soul and your heart and beautiful is Lanay dancing with Jesus in a place where there are no more tears.

  12. What a beautiful way to remember your baby girl.

  13. Jo-Anne, As usual when meeting someone who has lost a baby or miscarried I'm saddened and at the same time glad there's this world wide community that's there to give people such as us support. By sharing your experience you give hope to others. Warmly, Judith


Thanks for sharing your thoughts on my lessons!

I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

Jo Princess Warrior xo