Thursday, 28 January 2010

It feels like a part of my heart has been ripped out



As I write this, tears are falling down my cheeks. I spent 15 minutes this afternoon consoling my crying 6 year old son. He was crying because he missed me and didn't want to go to school. I kept it together as much as I could, but tears still managed to fall as my son told me that he didn't want to go to school anymore, but be homeschooled again. I told him that the best idea would be to continue going to school until the end of the term and then we'll see how he felt. I said it is hard when everything is new, but it will get easier with time. He seemed happy with that and he went off to find out what his little brothers were doing.

I went into Mighty Prince Warrior's office and it was now me that needed consoling for 15 minutes. Through heart wrenchng sobs, I shared with my husband how I couldn't send Leader Boy Warrior back to school because it feels like a part of my heart was ripped out. I went on to tell him that his teacher won't care about him and that he'll only be a number. My next argument was that 5 hours of sitting in a classroom was not ideal for children and down right cruel and that our son would be much happier at home here with his brothers. Through snot (it wasn't pretty) and tears I shared that I don't want to have a few rushed minutes in the morning and a short time before I prepare dinner, bath, books and then bed in the evenings with Leader Boy Warrior. I said, "It's not fair that someone else gets more time with my son than I do." I asked him if we can reassess the situation after the first term and he agreed that it was a good idea.

I had no idea it would be this hard and am so raw emotionally at the moment. The emotions that I have  felt and the intensity of them over the last 2 days have taken me by suprise. I don't know if I'll still feel the same at the end of the term. But I'm hoping that it will get easier with time. Perhaps it is only for a season that Leader Boy Warrior is away from me and I will homeschool him again. Or perhaps he will continue at school, I really don't know. All I know is, God is soverign in all things.

Still taking lessons from the King,



4 comments:

  1. Oh Jo, now I have tears just reading this, although we have just been discussing it on chat! My heart is aching for you, and I can relate completely about someone else spending more time with Declan than you. That is how I feel when I look back and think that in Jasmine's almost 6 years of life, I've only spent all day and every day with her for 9 months straight, then weekends, etc. I will be praying for you all, as you know I will. Take comfort in our King. Love you, xo

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  2. oh that is heart wrenching!! But take heart it was only the first day and all change is scary at first. You believed God led you to this decision and He cares more for our children than even we do and He is with your boy always!! If he has sent him to school then he has a purpose in that and if you keep your eyes on God then His peace will follow if this is His path for your family!! Hugs to you ((())) :-)

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  3. Oh my friend! My heart is aching for your boy. But as I turn to my Father to give me something encouraging to say I am met with the response that He is faithful to complete the good work that He began in us - He has plans for good, not for harm, to give us a hope and a future - He works ALL THINGS together for good to shape us into the likeness of His Son. WHO KNOWS what future lies ahead of Leader Boy - GOD KNOWS! Our Father is preparing him for the good works that He also prepared in advance for him. And He will give you the strength to persevere in obedience and to teach your son how to persevere with joy as well. I don't want to say this - I want to shout "bring him home!" - but don't listen to me, listen to the One who knows the innermost parts of that young man and the One who gave His only Son as a sacrifice for the opportunity to hold your son's heart close to His. Praying for you!

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  4. Oh dear friend, I just saw this.. Didn't see it earlier. I'm so sorry.
    I know that Papa God will make all things clear to you. I just know it.

    Please keep me posted, friend...

    Hugs sent your way!

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Love,
Jo Princess Warrior xo