Sunday, 29 June 2008

My little Princess found in Heaven


Source - Mark Valli


Before I became pregnant with my first son Leader Boy Warrior, I miscarried. It was a hard time and I remember thinking "How do women get through this without the Hope of Christ?" It was very hard.

My pregnancy was announced the week before at my church and during the following week I lost the baby. It was my 12th week of pregnancy. I rang my Pastor before the Sunday morning service and shared with him what had happened and asked him not to announce the miscarriage during the service. I told him that I would rather the word got out by word of mouth. We didn't attend the service that morning. But imagine my horror when my miscarriage was announced against my wishes.

The next week we went to church and had people with good intentions saying, "All things work together for good for those that love the Lord", or "There was probably something wrong with the baby that's why you lost the baby." Every well intended comment cut deeper and I felt very alone. I also heard whispers through the church of, "Why didn't they leave the announcement tof the pregnancy until she was 12 weeks?" It was sad and isolating time.

No-one knew what to say and I didn't know what to do. So it wasn't talked about much. But I cried a lot, and then when we were ready, my husband and I tried again for another baby and became pregnant with our son. I didn't think a lot about the baby I lost and focused on the one that was growing within me. I did however think of the baby around the time that she was due to be born.

Time passed and I was so happy to become a mother with my first son. 2 and 1/2 years passed and I gave birth to my 2nd son. I was in the Christian book shop one day and picked up a book titled, Jesse: Born in Heaven by Chris Pringle. It was the only Christian book I ever found on the subject of losing a baby.

I took this book home and read it and all these feelings and emotions that I had suppressed over the 2 1/2 years came flooding up and I weeped, howled and cried. I found such healing form this book. Learning that I had a baby waiting for me in Heaven being raised by angels.

More time passed and I was due to have my 3rd baby, I was sure that this one was girl. But the ultrasound showed that it was a boy. I was puzzled as my husband and I had picked a girls name but not a boys. So I know have 3 gorgeous boys and was happy with my family.

Then one day, my sister rang me and asked if she can come over that afternoon. She said that she had a gift for me and that she wanted to give it to me today as she was going away for a few weeks and it couldn't wait until she got back. I was very curious.

When she turned up she had a copy of Jesse: Found in Heaven in her hand with a beautiful card wrapped up in a ribbon. (I had given my copy away to a friend that had a stillborn and didn't want to ask for it back.) My sister didn't realise that i had already read it, but was thinking of buying a copy again for myself. She had just been to a Ladies meeting where the author Chris Pringle was speaking and sharing her story.

The card was hot pink and had a picture of an angel holding a baby and read:

"To My Darling Beautiful Sister,
Please be blessed by this gift....
Please forgive me for not acknowledging your loss. I felt God say to me 'The baby in Heaven is the daughter Jo-Anne thought she never had."
Love Fi xo"

I was so touched. It was a precious moment. My baby had a gender. I immediately thought of the name that my husband and I had picked for a girl - Lanay. Yes, I do have a daughter and she's waiting for me in Heaven. I happily tell everyone that I have 4 children, Lanay, my daughter waiting for us in Heaven and 3 boys.


Still taking lessons from the King,



8 comments:

  1. Thankyou for sharing this. I was so touched by reading it, I have noticed how people seem to brush the loss of a child through miscarrage under the carpet. Women still nead to be healed from this. I had not heard about the book but will sure be getting one. My cousin has just had a baby boy on friday and had lost some babies before, I will send her a copy and I want to read it myself.
    I am glad we are doing this blogging thing:) love you

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  2. Oh Jo, this is a beautiful post!

    I decided to have a quick computer fix before Jasmine and I head down to Word for some book buying, and I'm glad I did.

    You are so brave! Jasmine is my one and only pregnancy and child, so I can openly say that I cannot even try to understand how miscarrying would feel. Every child is precious, whether miscarried at 12 weeks or birthed into the world.

    Love In Him, Paula :-)

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  3. Well Jo, thanks for sharing your heart...everything you wrote is what I experienced, especially with my first one. I was given the book Jesse to read and found it a great comfort. Well, now I have 3 little ones growing in heaven, waiting for the day we can hug. Keep sharing and helping those who need it...xoxo

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  4. I see this is an older post... and testimony of a moment that happened even longer ago but I'm sure lives in your heart everyday. I got here from clicking the "loss" label - my daughter died at birth and I feel a special kinship with any other empty(ish)-armed moms. Like you, my days are kept joyfully busy with additional blessings but my life was forever transformed through the gift of my daugher who sits in God's presence awaiting my arrival. So glad to meet you here.

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  5. Hello Jo

    You expressed my experience so well. I struggled with the intensity of my grief and then guilt over the way I felt ..... Until I read Silent Grief

    http://orders.koorong.com/search/product/view.jhtml?code=089221371X

    I have not read the book you speak about but will be looking for it.

    Thank you for sharing your heart.

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  6. Hi, I'm Michelle - an online friend of Paula's. Just wanted to send you some love and hugs.

    Four years ago today I went for an ultrasound at 10 weeks gestation to find out that my baby had died. I had only told a few friends so had to grieve alone. I don't write about it on my blog as my boys, parents and parents in law don't know as my husband wasn't happy about us having a baby in our 40's.

    We are never alone. Is 41:13

    Proverbs 3:4,5.

    Michelle.

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  7. Dear Jo,
    This is such a beautiful post. I share your pain and your sense of loss. I too lost children to miscarriage. Both, in between my first and second children (hence the big 4 1/2 year age gap). The first was around 7 weeks and the second at 13 weeks. I too had "well-meaning" people say similar things to me. Their words cut deep, so deep that I felt hurt and guilty for grieving as "I already had one beautiful child" and I could "always try for more" (even my ex-husband showed no care or concern).

    I shoved it down inside for far too long. I never dealt with this loss until a few years after Bec (my youngest) was born. One day in church I fell apart, a lovely pastor prayed with me, she had a vision of my 2 children (a boy and a girl) playing & laughing in Heaven with Jesus. I was finally able to give them names and release them totally to God. She also told me I would know them when I saw them. My Matthew & Rachel are waiting, I know for when I finally get to meet them and hold them in my arms. :)

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  8. What amazing strength you have for sharing your story. I too know the devastation that follows with the loss of a baby.

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Thanks for sharing your thoughts on my lessons!

I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

Love,
Jo Princess Warrior xo