Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I’m not afraid when you walk at my side.

I fell in love with the artwork by Beth Morey a little while ago. Recently a particular piece of artwork arrested my heart. It was titled, 'surrender' and it felt exactly like what was going on in my heart.
I am surrendering to the grief.
I am surrendering to the pain.
I am surrendering to be brave to face whatever wounds I have.
I am surrendering to walking through this journey.
I am surrendering to Him.
This week, the original artwork arrived and I can't wait to mount it on my wall.

Art by Beth Morey. On the left - A card and postcard. On the right - 'Surrender' 

Not fighting the depression, but resting in Him

It has been a turbulent time in my soul. Some days are great then, just like that, something can trigger my depression and the tears come. I just go with it. Sometimes the wave of grief remains for a few hours or a whole day. It is unpredictable. But instead of fighting it, I let it come. 

She was no longer wrestling with the grief,but could sit down with it as a lasting companion & make it a share in her thoughts -George Eliot

A letter to His Bride- the church from one who has been hurt

 I love the church- His Bride. It is His hands and feet on earth, where He is the head.

The following letter is not intended to 'bash' the church. It is an expression of the hurt that I have experienced from the church over the 20 years since coming alive in Christ and being born-again. This is not a letter to one church, but to many I have been a part of. I want you to know that I have also experienced so much of the opposite of what is expressed in this letter- so much good.

I feel I need to write this letter as part of my healing journey. Years of layers of hurt not dealt with have landed me in the place I am in today- with depression. And the only way for the depression to leave me is to  face the hurts, and deal with them once and for all.  This is the only way to move on.

Broken Friendship Wounds

Since I gave myself permission to go with the depression, rather than fight against it, God has moved. I have been extremely teary and emotional. Normally I would fight it and try and make it stop. Instead, I allowed the tears to flow. I allowed myself to feel the pain, and it hurt. Oh my, does it hurt.

I have felt very vulnerable and fragile at times. But despite all of this, I have felt Him beside me guiding me through the depression. I voiced the pain and hurt in my heart one day to a friend, who graciously sat there and listened and just allowed the words to come and the tears to flow. It was like an avalanche. She didn't try to offer me solutions, she just sat with me. I realised that it wasn't just the current losses that I have experienced recently that was the real issue. The friendship that ended and others that have changed have opened up very old wounds in my heart.

Today I decided to stop...

I have been contemplating this for over a year now.
It's just time.
It just feels right!
Today was the day that I decided to stop dyeing my hair.

I am both scared and excited to have come to this decision.
I actually don't know what my real hair colour is underneath all the years of  colour.
I have been dyeing my hair since I was 12 years old. I will be 40 in November. That's 27 years.
First I dyed my hair for fun, now I dye my hair to cover the grey hairs. 

My decision to stop dyeing my hair is an outward expression of what is happening within me. 
God is taking me through an internal process, revealing who 'Jo' really is. 

For years I have been trying to be someone I am not.
It's time to embrace who I am - grey hair and all. Scared, but excited and looking forward to wearing a few funky hats over the transition period!!

Depression - We can't go over it. We can't go under it. Oh no! We've got to go through it!

The last time I was fighting to overcome depression, I was of the opinion that depression was from the Enemy of our hearts. It was a tool used to attack you. At least that's what I was told by many Christians. But what if that was not the case? What if depression was from God? What if depression was a gift from God? What if depression was part of God's design for humanity?

While reading 'Unveiling Depression in Women: A Practical Guide to Understanding and Overcoming Depression' by Archibald Hart , Catherine Hart Weber, I experienced a paradigm shift. The authors write:

How Does God Fit?

God has designed us with the capacity for experiencing depression. Just as pain is important for the survival of the body because it alerts us to harm and disease, depression alerts us to something out of order in the physical, emotional, or mental realm. It has been said that "depression is a cry that something is missing."(p26)

I had to really shift gears in my mind and ponder on the fact that God had designed depression!